Chichester by Gaslight
Chichester by Gaslight

A forum style vampire game based on White Wolf's Victorian setting located in the re-imagined historical city of Chichester.
 
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 Funny ww clans

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PostSubject: Funny ww clans   Mon Apr 18, 2011 5:08 pm

CLANS - White Wolf
An oldie but goodie - calls for basic knowledge of the clans of the White Wolf Vampire RPG

http://www.lesvampires.org/humclans.html

BLOOD and SEX

....muffled talking and harsh whispers

Ventrue Thank you all for coming. As usual, we have a situation on hand that we need to talk about.

Toreador The defacing of the Art Institute by anonymous Rabble? ::dirty look to Brujah::

Tzim Caitiff running wild? ::dirty look to Brujah::

Tremere The defacing of the Public Libraries? ::dirty look to Brujah::

Brujah ::flashes a charming grin to all of them and puts his feet on the table::

Ventrue No. Tonight we are here to discuss...and I do this with heavy reluctance.............sex.

...Stunned Silence

Malk ::stands starting the "Tush Push" and winks at Gangrel:: Let's talk about SEX bay-bee, let's talk about YOU an' ME...

Gangrel ::growls:: Let's not.

Ravnos I swear on the blood of my familia, she told me she was 18.

Ventrue Malkav. Please be seated. I..::blinks and looks at Ravnos:: Um...well..::shakes his head:: This is a SERIOUS discussion.

Lasombra So what ABOUT sex?

Ventrue The problem is too many of you take your unlife as permission for a post-mortem orgy. We have rules. Politics. Standards to follow. We are the next level of evolution people, SEX is no longer PLEASURABLE to us... Therefore..

Toreador ::looks to Giovanni:: You can say THAT again...

Giovanni Well if some people didn't just LAY there like the corpse they are..

Brujah No longer PLEASURABLE? ::shakes his head:: Trust me..Yer doing it wrong dude...

Malk Well..I guess I can eat all my edible undies. I like the cotton flavored ones the best.

Ventrue Look. Our lust is for the BLOOD. Not physical pleasures and desires.

Brujah COME ON...I mean the blood is good..but when is the last time a set of double "D" medical packs turned your head?

Malk Bobbit it. Cut if off. Recycle it. Make cocktail wieners.

Ravnos Speak for yourself gajo some of us fall into larger groupings.

Malk Ohh Hung like a HORSE--

Ravnos ::smiles::

Malk --Fly.

Ventrue It's not just the male persuasion of our little group Brujah. Many of the FEMALES engage in sexual activities at constant rates.

Malk ::suddenly serious:: THAT is disgusting! That is...vile. WRONG. I demand justice. Kindly give me the names and current addresses of these women and I will see that they get what I...what THEY deserve...

Gangrel ::thumps Malk:: Siddown nutjob. You've got as much chance of getting laid as pickle puss over there. ::jerks her thumb to Nos::

Nos ::indignant:: This coming from the bearded lady.

Gangrel ::growls:: Watch it scabbie.

Nos I am no stranger to sex my dear wood dweller.

Tzim ::wrinkles her nose:: Sex..no. Soap. Now that is a different story all together.

Assamite Not that I particularly care, seeing I have BETTER things to do with my time than engage in pointless activities...but does this mean that we shall no longer be capable of having sex?

Malk It's fallen. And I can't get it UP!

Toreador ::looks at Giovanni:: Been there. Done that.

Giovanni IT WAS COLD AND I WAS TIRED!!

...room looks to Gio, who shrinks into his seat

Giovanni sorry.

Ventrue ::sighs ignoring the outbursts:: No Assamite. It simply means that you derive no pleasure from it. You can will the blood...if you MUST..to keep up appearances and what not...But you have no DESIRE for sex.

Brujah Yeah...especially after finding out that Nos has it....::makes a face:: There's a mental image I didn't want.

Malk Bumping UGLY...Monkey sex. The Leprous Lombada of Love. A Spew Screw. Oral--

Gangrel ::smacks him:: Shut up! You are making us all sick you weird little freak.

Tremere So what is the point of seduction...if you are not going to have sex?

Ventrue The seduction is so you may obtain their blood, without them drawing suspicious. THAT is why our bite is so pleasurable to them. It surpasses sex.

...muffled grumbling

Ventrue Well? Final thoughts? Comments?

Brujah You sure you are not doing this because you can't get laid and are pissed at those of us who can?

Gangrel Well I can throw out my date book.

Nos Please do, I'm sure Wild Kingdom would love to find it.

Toreador ::smirks:: There are exceptions to every rule.

Tzim ::shares the smile:: Exactly.

Malk What about the ol' yank and spank? Is that out? Ya know...the ol' bap and slap? I mean I was REALLY good at that.

Ravnos Rules were meant to be broken.

Ventrue Meeting Adjourned. And remember. We are not interested in sex. The blood is our sex.

Malk Believe that and you are crazier than I am.

Ventrue What did you say?

Malk Nothing. Just commenting on the weather. ::Smile bright::




Origin of Clan Flaws

Ventrue Okay folks. We have another problem. The "kids" want to know how we tell each other apart...what makes us unique.

Toreador That's easy...we are all unique...special..beautiful in our own way we--

Brujah Shut the hell up. He means like what separates CLANS you pantywaste.

Malk Never waste panties...Too hard to find this time of year.

Ventrue Yes Brujah. What makes us...fit into a Category. What makes us. CLAN.

Brujah Yeah..just another way for the "man" to keep an eye on us.

Malk What man?

Brujah Shut up before I mash you kook.

Ventrue ::sighs:: Any suggestions?

Toreador Signature Clothing?

Tremere Necklaces? Mystical pendants?

Malk Cheese...Different Cheeses assigned to each clan. There are different types to chose from you know?

Brujah ::looks to Nosferatu:: Yeah..lemme guess who Limburger is....

Nos I heard that.

Ventrue I was thinking more along the lines...of a weakness...a..subtle flaw.

Malk I call Kryptonite!!!

Brujah ::smashes him on the head:: Must have a Kyrptonite fist. SHUT UP.

Malk unnrk.

Ventrue Okay...Brujah...yours will be your temper. For obvious reasons.

Brujah TEMPER? WHAT TEMPER? .....fricking suits....You'd be pissed too if you had to sit next to Nos and Malk.

Ventrue ::coughs:: Torrie, since you love art...you will be known as the artist clan.

Toreador Tragic...yet...beautiful. Agreed.

Malk ::small voice:: I still want Kryptonite.

Brujah ::SMACK:: Hehe. Temper..okay..Cool.

Malk Unnnggh.

Nos ::Scratches his chin causing skin to flake off:: And my..flaw?

...silence

Ventrue ::shivers:: We'll get back to you. Gangrel. Yours will be...everytime you frenzy..you look more like an animal.

Gangrel WHAT? What do you mean "You look more like an animal??"

Ventrue It starts of small...you know....fur....deep voice....maybe horns....

Gangrel WHAT??? Oh COME on...Torrie gets to moon over stupid drawings and I get a fricking BEAK? Yeah...that's REAL fair...::grumbles into a growl::

Assamite And I?

Tremere You can't drink kindred blood..::laughs:: It's poison. Your hair falls out and you look like him. ::points to Nos::

Ventrue Agreed.

Nos Still waiting.

...silence, Malk giggles

Assamite Why does TREMERE get to pick my weakness.

Tremere Lump it pal.

Ventrue Tremere...if Assamite can't drink kindred blood....then you have to drink from..all of your elders.

Malk No one got Kryptonite?

Brujah ::BAP:: Temper.. LOVE it.

Ventrue Lasombra....hmm...no reflection.

Lasombra You should give THAT to Nos.....

Nos Still waiting...

Ventrue ::coughs:: Be right with you Nos.....Is that acceptable Lasombra?

Lasombra Yeah....but you guys have to tell me when I have something on my chin.

Ventrue No problem. ...Hmmm...Tzim....You're weakness..will be...

Malk Having a clan name no one can say or spell?

Ventrue Yes. er..No. ...You..must sleep..in your native soil..or have some in your coffin...

Gangrel WHAT??? I get WEBBED TOES and she has to sleep in DIRT??

Tzim Agreed.

Gangrel I want a new one.....

Nos Still waiting.....have you forgotten me?

...silence

Ventrue Moving right along.....Giovanni...Your Kiss hurts.....no pleasure in your bite.

Toreador You can say THAT again....

Room looks to Torrie Oh..sorry..was that outloud?

Giovanni One off night...plagues you for your unlife...

Ventrue Ravnos. You are a criminal by nature.

Ravnos ::gives back Ventrue's wallet:: Sorry.

Ventrue ::blinks taking it:: Um...no. I meant....::shakes head:: Oookay. The money too..

Ravnos Oh..here..sorry.

Nos When do I get one?

Brujah At birth...

...stifled laughter

Ventrue Ahem...You over there..Setite...yours is....you don't like the light..

Gangrel OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?? I get a set of BAT wings and he doesn't like brightlights??

Malk Fly my little monkeys...Fllllyyyyy..

Brujah ::raises hand and Malk winces::

Set ::grins:: Agreed..fair and just. ::winks::

Gangrel ::points:: He WINKED!! You two had A DEAL SET UP?? .....God DAMN snakes......

Nos If you continuing ignoring me...I will get UGLY.

Malk Too late...

...stifled laughter

Ventrue Am I missing anyone?

Malk Do I get Kryptonite?

Tzim You, little man, have ENOUGH problems....you don't need an additional flaw.

Ventrue Then it is settled....

Nos You have forgotten yourself....and I.

Brujah Yeah. Mr.Picky. What is YOUR flaw.

Ventrue ::smiles:: I am Picky...about ...what I eat....

Gangrel ::stands up throwing chair back:: I am LEAVING!! ::pointing around the room:: I get udders like a fucking COW and YOU get to sleep in DIRT? YOU are a fussy eater? YOU Get to look at art...YOU...::finger stops on Nos::...Okay..I guess it could be worse.

Nos I get it. I am the unflawed clan.... gotcha.

Brujah ::laughs:: Yup..that's it..

Ventrue ::coughs:: Meeting Adjourned.

Malk, leaving very quietly singing You..oogly..you oogly....and yer mama dresses you foooney..you oogly..you oogly...





Vampiric Discplines

Ventrue Thank you all for attending. I again call the council to discuss yet ANOTHER problem we are having with our....youth.

Toreador You have our undivided attentions, as usual. Please, go on.

Ravnos ::wet ass-kissing sounds and a roll of gypsy eyes::

Malkav ::grabs him by the cheeks and kisses him fully on the mouth::

Ravnos GAH!!! ::spits and runs after Malk who takes off sprinting:: I will kill you dilo bastard!

Ventrue ENOUGH!! ::stands:: Ravnos PLEASE be seated. Malkav. ::points:: Over there....next to Brujah.

Brujah ::smiles and pats the seat next to him causing Malk to eep::

Ventrue As I was stating before the OUTBURST..::dirty look to Malk:: We have yet another problem. The children know we have our flaws to separate us, but they want to know our strengths as well. So..I have taken the liberty to..

Gangrel ::growls:: You hook me up like you did with the flaws and you are gonna take your liberties to the hospital little man.

Ventrue ::coughs and nods:: Of..course..Gangrel...shall we start with you?

Gangrel ::folds her arms and gives the stare that men, dead or alive fear from women::

Ventrue Ahem..ahh yes...::Rustles papers:: Gangrel...I to you..grant the abilities of your animal nature. Growing claws at will, changing into animal form at will....even becoming the mists of night themselves. ::swallows:: Acceptable?

Gangrel It's a start. I still owe you for the pig's tail....

Ventrue Moving right along...Malkav...I grant you..the power of Dominate, you may control the minds of your--

Brujah ARE YOU OFF YOUR GOD DAMNED ROCKER? Giving HIM the ability to control OTHERS?? We'll all end up as demented as he is!

Ventrue Dementia? Instilling insanity in others?

Malk Deal. Done. Thank you Drive thru.

Brujah ::cringes and shakes his head::

Ventrue I'm..not..sure what just..happened..Malk? I was?

Malk Moving on to Toreador.

Ventrue ::Shakes his head and nods:: Yes..um...Toreador. Because of your beauty, and apprecation of...your perfect social skills, and untouchable elegance, I give you the ability to influence the feelings of others. Inspiring Awe, Fear, Love or Respect in all you wish.

Toreador Wise, just, and kind. Thank you.

Brujah ::makes kissy noises and quickly looks to Malk:: You even THINK it and yer pulp Kook.

Ventrue Assamite. Due to your...ahem...activities.. I chose silence for you. You manipulate sounds, causing the death cries of your victims to be lost with their lives.

Assamite ::smiles and nods:: Such things are in the blood....

Ventrue Brujah...my violent friend. To further...your personality I give to you unparalleled strength..and speed. May your wrath be as swift and stinging as your temper.

Brujah ::grins at Assamite:: Awww. I wanted to be really quiet!! ::mock sighs:: Guess I have to suffer with strength and speed. ::laughs::

Assamite Then suffer in silence.

Brujah ::laughter stops as his sounds are abruptly cut off::

Ventrue Um... Should have gave you that a long time ago Assamite. Moving on. Tzim...I give to you..

Malk A NEW CLAN NAME!!! Something we can say without sounding like we are sneezing through a mouth full of --::goes silent::

Ventrue Thank you Assamite. Ahem. Tzim, you shall have the ability to sculpt and mold flesh and bone, as artists mold clay or shape stone.

Tzim ::dirty look to Malk:: Come here my silent little friend...

Malk ::Silent shriek as he holds up two fingers in the sign of the cross::

Ventrue Ahem...Nosferatu. I grant you the ability to..

Malk Leap tall buildings in a SINGLE BOUND!

Ventrue ::surprised:: I thought you were silenced?

Brujah ::shaking out a sore hand:: Well he has to be CONSCIOUS to do that now doesn't he? ::kicks Assamite before sitting:: Strength and speed. I love it.

Ventrue Nos, I grant you the power to be unseen. You may come and go and no one will acknowledge your presence.

Brujah ::laughs:: Oh yeah..like he gets ALL the acknowledgement in the world right now...a real chick magnet.

Nos Accepted, thank you Ventrue. ::to Brujah:: Why on earth would I want to attract other women?

Brujah ::pales:: You...are...a...Oh god..I'm gunna be sick...

Giovanni ::scootches closer to Nos:: Sooo..what are you doing aft--

Ventrue Giovanni. You are given, power over the dead. The truly dead. All that fester and rot are in your domain.

Brujah Ugh..so you DO have a chance with Nos. Looks at Ventrue. Man..can you imagine if.. ::leans in whispering to Ventrue who pales then looks ill::

Ventrue Thank you...for that lovely image Brujah. I will be sure to send you my therapy bill. Ravnos...

Ravnos ::looks startled then sheepish:: Sorry... ::hands Ventrue his wallet::

Ventrue No..I...::shakes his head and snatches the wallet back:: I know I am going to regret this...but I give you the power of trickery. Your illusions, jokes, and general mischief shall fool not only the eyes, but all senses.

Malk Yeah. I'M the crazy one....::looks at the stirring Assamite and punches him in the jaw:: I'm gunna knock you out! Mama said knock you out. I'm gunna take this iddy biddy world by storm and I'm just..urnk.

Brujah ::shakes off his fist:: Strength. And Speed. GOTTA love it.

Ventrue Lasombra. Yes..you over in the poorly lit corner. Your ability shall be mastery of the shadows and the dark. With it......::Blinks:: Where did he go?

Voice of Lasombra Accepted. Gladly.

Malk ::groggily and weakly:: Carolanne...stay away from the light...::thunks back to the table::

Ventrue Um..yes. Tremere. Given your studies..you are given the ability to create magic. Casting cantrips and using your powers as you see fit.

Tremere But I already have---

Ventrue And last but no least, myself.

Brujah ::Warily:: Best for last? What do you get?

Ventrue I get the mastery of mind control. With it I shall lead us, holding both meetings, and the majority of offices. Any one who objects, please try to raise your hands.

All ::Struggle to lift stubborn limbs that refuse to obey::

Ventrue Very nice. Meeting..Adjourned.




Clan Politics


Ventrue Thank you all for attending, and I apologize for not calling a meeting sooner, as it has been awhile since last we spoke.

Brujah Yeah, notice how we're all misty eyed over that? Tears falling like rain. Why'd ya call us?

Malk RED RAIN....RED RAIN...RED RAIN...

Brujah It's red RUM you kook. Now shut up so we can get this over with, I got things to do, people to see...

Books not to read....

Ventrue ::clears throat:: Ahem. As I was saying. Thank you for coming. I have gathered you today to discuss clan politics, and how we are all aligned.

Toreador ::looks at Malkav:: ~whispers~ Or Misaligned.

Ventrue Um..yes. There is that. At any rate, I have, for simplicity, broken down our clans into 3 political sects, each acting as like minded nesting ground for individual clan interactions.

Gangrel ::growls and stands:: What did you just call me?

Nos ::pats her hand:: Sit dear, he didn't call you anything. He's putting us on "teams". Like in football.

Malk Football?? OHH!! I wanna be on the Yankees! Do I get a hockey stick?

Brujah Yeah. Lets give spazoid here a big stick. There's a good idea. Why not just give him a chainsaw and some grenades?

Malk ::incredulous:: I get GRENADES? ::eyes fill with crimson:: You guys love me. You really...love me.

Brujah Just shut up, before I explode. ::mumbles:: Weird little....

Ventrue ::clears throat:: IF I may continue.

...silence

Ventrue Thank you. As I was saying. The sects shall be named in the following; Camarilla. Those foll-

Ravnos Caramello? Isn't that a candy bar?

Giovanni No, It's that book of sexual positions.

Toreador That's the Kama Sutra. And maybe you should READ it sometime.

Giovanni ::sighs deeply:: THIS again? I told you, I threw out my back!

Nos ::quietly:: Digging into those graves is tasking labor..

Giovanni WHAT Did you say?

Nos Shh. Nothing. Our secret.

Ventrue ::Sighs:: NOT Caramello. NOT Kama Sutra. ::looks at Malkav:: And before you say it, NOT Karma Karma Karma Chameleon.

Malk ::stops in mid dance, his mouth drops open. Slowly he just sits::

Ventrue ::smiles at Malk knowingly:: As I was saying. The Camarilla. This will be a group of clans that follow our masquerade to the letter, obey the prince, and try to stay unnoticed by mortal society.

Brujah A buncha kiss asses.

Ventrue Sorry you feel that way Brujah, as being you are part of that group.

Brujah WHAT?? Oh COME ON. You honestly expect US to dancey-prancey around. The mortals? You can't be serious.

Ventrue Dead serious. The Camarilla shall be composed corely of myself, Toreador, Malkav, Nosferatu, you Brujah, Tremere, and Gangrel.

Gangrel And NOT Gangrel. I'm not following YOU anywhere suitboy.

Malk ::whispers to Ventrue:: She's still upset about the baboon butt she got the last time she got mad. I've seen it. Red, blue, little white stripes. It looks like she pooped out the American Fl--URNK!..

Gangrel ::rubs her fist after knocking out Malkav:: Ow. Baboon butt that you little freak.

Brujah Go for the face next time. His head is too hard, you'll end up breaking a knuckle. Trust me, I'm an expert on this one.

Ventrue ::sighs and shuffles the paperwork:: Very well Gangrel. You shall be the first name in the next series of clans. The Independents.

Gangrel ::growls:: I'm listening.

Ventrue The Independent clans shall call no alliances. They are kindred who have decided to, for whatever the reason, blaze their own trail. When in Camarilla controlled cities however, they will obey set laws and rules, or else be dealt with accordingly.

Brujah See? That's perfect for me. Anarchy all the way....hey. Anarchs. Anarchy. Oh..I like that idea. I could go out west and I ....

Ventrue What idea?

Brujah Ahhh nothing. Continue.

Ventrue ::suspicious glance at Brujah:: The Independent clans shall be as follows. Gangrel, Ravnos, Assamite, The Followers of Set and Giovanni.

Set I would rattthhher be on your ssside, ssseeing asss we only work for tthhe good of all kindred.

Malk Sthufferin Sthuckatash Slyessther!

Ventrue Your actions dictate the need for expressed freedoms, Set. I'm sorry.

Giovanni I don't see why you must be so rigid with this. We should be allowed to choose our alliance.

Toreador ::scoffs:: What would YOU know about rigid?

...silence

Ventrue Um. Yes. And lastly. We have the Sabbat.

Malk HEYYYYYYY ABBBBBBOOOTTTTTTT! urnk.

Gangrel ::rubbing her fist:: The face. Thanks for the tip Bruj.

Brujah ::grins:: Anytime. ::winks:: Personally I like a chick with horns.

Ventrue The Sabbat will be the scourge of kindred communities. They will care nothing of the laws or traditions, doing as they wish when they wish. They shall travel in closely knit packs like wolves, preying wherever they care.

Tremere Who is left to head such a heinous sect? Only two clans remain, and they are..

Ventrue Lasombra and Tzimice. Both clans chosen for their...affinity with darkness if you will. Literally and not.

Lasombra I get to be the bad guy? Hmmm. I may grow to like this.

Tzim Grow? I could assist with that. A stretch here..a nip there ..a tuck there. Look what I did for Toreador.

Giovanni ::Stands:: AHA!!! ::pointing at Toreador:: I KNEW there was NO way those were REAL!!

Toreador ::sobs and goes running from the room, hands covering her face::

Gangrel TWO Clans against the your five? Yeah that's really fair jackass.

Malk Jack Ass? Talk about liking it kinky! When she's an animal in bed she's REALLY a ::cowers:: Noo!! Don't hit me! Don't hit me!

Ventrue The Sabbat shall have the ability..to corrupt from all clans. And every clan shall have it's anti-tribe.

Malk Anti-tribe? A bacterial soap?

Ventrue A mirror image of it's set sect, allowing it the freedom to become either Sabbat OR Camarilla.

Malk Ahh. I see. A free spirit among the clans may choose to divert from the set course, and delve into either the darkness or light if you will, thus choosing his own alignment, and not the social stereotypes set upon him by clan title.

...crickets

Ventrue Why..yes. Th-that..is exactly right. ::shakes his head:: Any further questions? Yes, Malkav? and may I add, I could come to enjoy your new lucidity.

Malk Do you have any duct tape? See you have to wrap the gerbil in duct tape so it doesn't explode when you f-- ::Is silenced by Ventrue's hand covering his mouth::

Tzimisce The other shoe ALWAYS drops.

Ventrue ::sighs:: Children. I'm surrounded by children. Meeting adjourned.


Source: Alas this page cannot be properly credited; it was posted on a site no longer active signed only "Dan" as the author.


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